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Cali's Joke Corner

Started by Cali, March 14, 2007, 01:39:11 PM

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Cali

Ok, I thought It would be neat to put a thread on this wonderful site for anyone wishing to bring a smile to someones' face :)  If you have a funny joke or story or pics they could be shared here. there are Exceptions:

1. The joke,story,Pic must be CLEAN. any violation to this and a Mod will Slay you %BUd%

2. NO Degrading reference to any SC4D patron(see rule #1)

3. Any Mod may at His/Her discretion remove anything that seems negative.(see rule #1)

4. Any comments about how to improve this is always welcome ;D

ok, I'll Start and see if someone bites: What's Black and Orange and sleeps four?  A CalTrans Truck.

"It's not a design flaw, It's my signature"

dioangel

very nice idea!! lol I'm ready to laugh!


"Beethoven is known for writting the most daring music has ever known to man...DioAngel is known for writting outragous stories has ever known to a lady."
****************************
My new MD: http://sc4devotion.com/forums/index.php?topic=6796.0

Cali

"It's not a design flaw, It's my signature"

dioangel



"Beethoven is known for writting the most daring music has ever known to man...DioAngel is known for writting outragous stories has ever known to a lady."
****************************
My new MD: http://sc4devotion.com/forums/index.php?topic=6796.0

Rayden

So, you guys like jokes? :D

Here's one for all the ladies here.

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. 'You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home. '
'Why?' asked somebody from the audience.
'I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years,' the expert explained. 'She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.
One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?''
'Did it save time?' the guy in the audience asked.
'Actually, yes,' replied the expert. 'It used to take her 30 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten.

dioangel



"Beethoven is known for writting the most daring music has ever known to man...DioAngel is known for writting outragous stories has ever known to a lady."
****************************
My new MD: http://sc4devotion.com/forums/index.php?topic=6796.0

Cali

"It's not a design flaw, It's my signature"

Rayden

Here is a funny picture. If this could offend any one around here, please let a Mod know about it and delete it.

Cali

#8
California Crazy Law

Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.

Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.

Bathhouses are against the law.

In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.

No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.

Women may not drive in a house coat.

It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

Arcadia
Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.

Alhambra
You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.

Baldwin Park
Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

Belvedere
City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."

Blythe
You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.

Burlingame
It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.


Carmel Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)


Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.

Chico: Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine. - This one scares me..lol

Downey
It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).

Hollywood
It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.

Lafayette You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.

Lodi
It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".

Lompoc
It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.

Long Beach
It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.

Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.

Los Angeles
Toads may not be licked.

You may not hunt moths under a street light.

It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.

You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.

Zoot suits are prohibited.

It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.

It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.

Ontario
Roosters may not crow in the city limits.

Pacific Grove
Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.

Palm Springs
It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.

Pasadena
It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.

Prunedale
Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.

Redlands
Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.

Riverside
One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.

San Diego
The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.

It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.

San Francisco
Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.

Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.

It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.

It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.

San Jose
It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595

Santa Monica
You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.

Temecula
Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.

Isn't This state great:)
"It's not a design flaw, It's my signature"

dioangel



"Beethoven is known for writting the most daring music has ever known to man...DioAngel is known for writting outragous stories has ever known to a lady."
****************************
My new MD: http://sc4devotion.com/forums/index.php?topic=6796.0

Rayden

Here's another one for the ladies in here:
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"


And one for everybody... it's a little big, but bigger will be your laught at the end of it ;D

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate,he >calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers,there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later,huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself,"I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/ 20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me."
He's out the door or after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days,the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/ 50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,
"If I catch you, you're mine."



Cali

HAHAHA..i love it &apls, ok here's one:

Applying for a Job at the CIA   

      A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.  After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

    The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair.  Take this gun and kill her."  The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious!  I could never shoot my wife!"   "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

    So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man.  "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair.  Take this gun and kill her."  The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened.  The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes.  "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife.  I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

    "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

    Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun.   "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test.  Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots.  Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls.  This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet. 

    The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.  She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks.  I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

"It's not a design flaw, It's my signature"

Rayden

Hehe, that was really a great one  :thumbsup:

Here's a small one this time ;)

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"


I think there is a lawyer among the admins, I hope he doesn't sue me $%Grinno$%

dioangel



"Beethoven is known for writting the most daring music has ever known to man...DioAngel is known for writting outragous stories has ever known to a lady."
****************************
My new MD: http://sc4devotion.com/forums/index.php?topic=6796.0

Cali

Things Found Only in America   

  1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

oh how this is so true...lol
"It's not a design flaw, It's my signature"

TheTeaCat

lots of giggles from me  :D
&apls &apls &apls
made me spill my tea  &mmm

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help  the gentleman with. The man said "this is embarrassing  for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.
Kettle's on. Milk? Sugars?    ps I don't like Earl Grey  $%Grinno$%
Reduce, Reuse, Recycle - If you're not part of the solution , you're part of the problem!
"Never knock on Death's door: Ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that!"
Tales at TeaTime      Now A proper NUT      TTC plays GRV II

Cali

#16
I'm glad you liked them TC, and welcome ;D.  That was funny :thumbsup: heres another one fer ya all:

Elementary, My Dear Watson   

  Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

"It's not a design flaw, It's my signature"

Fledder200

 :thumbsup: muhahahaha awsome jokes..

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Life is too short to wear bad clothes...and ugly shoes!

Rayden

Blonde jokes, muahhh, hehehe.

I know some as well, here it goes...

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work earlier. One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the; blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."

Cali

well, while we are on this blonde kick ;D

There was 3 girls on the run being chased by cops, they went in a barn and hid in 3 seperate potato bags.
The cops picked up the 1st bag and the auburn says "meow meow".

The cops said there's nothing in this bag except kittens they picked up the 2nd one and the brunette says, "woof woof"

The cops say there's nothing but puppys in this bag they picked up the 3rd one and the blonde says, "THERE"S NO-ONE IN HERE!"
"It's not a design flaw, It's my signature"