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Cali's Joke Corner

Started by Cali, March 14, 2007, 01:39:11 PM

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TheTeaCat

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head.
Kettle's on. Milk? Sugars?    ps I don't like Earl Grey  $%Grinno$%
Reduce, Reuse, Recycle - If you're not part of the solution , you're part of the problem!
"Never knock on Death's door: Ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that!"
Tales at TeaTime      Now A proper NUT      TTC plays GRV II

MsD

ROFLMAO:  &apls Now that was funny.  I laughed so hard I peed.   :o  Oops.  lol
To hate is human, to forgive and to love is devine.

Please visit my website.
Please visit my MD
Valley of the Gods

callagrafx

Quote from: MsD on April 15, 2007, 07:27:28 AM
ROFLMAO:  &apls Now that was funny.  I laughed so hard I peed.   :o  Oops.  lol

I know we said make yourself at home, but jeez!  :D :D :D :D :D
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it

TheTeaCat

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."
Kettle's on. Milk? Sugars?    ps I don't like Earl Grey  $%Grinno$%
Reduce, Reuse, Recycle - If you're not part of the solution , you're part of the problem!
"Never knock on Death's door: Ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that!"
Tales at TeaTime      Now A proper NUT      TTC plays GRV II

Zaphod

The art/science of oil and gas well firefighting was pioneered by a man named Red Adair. He and his company did the impossible on a regular basis. They were the ones who put out the kuwait fires in the early 90's. Also, he had a movie called hellfighters made about that starred john wayne.

Anyways, when Red died God decided he sinned too much and was going to send him to hell. But then God and St. Peter got a letter from Satan begging them to accept him into heaven. The message read "Don't send him down here, he'll put the place out"

War Kittens !?

TheTeaCat

Nice one Zaphod

try this for size

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"
Kettle's on. Milk? Sugars?    ps I don't like Earl Grey  $%Grinno$%
Reduce, Reuse, Recycle - If you're not part of the solution , you're part of the problem!
"Never knock on Death's door: Ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that!"
Tales at TeaTime      Now A proper NUT      TTC plays GRV II

vab423

Quote from: TheTeaCat on April 15, 2007, 01:20:27 PM
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."
OMG, another classic!!!!!  $%Grinno$%


"It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit."     - Harry S. Truman

KANE

  Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal. Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Ned's here!" Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned. After everyone has greeted him, Bill and Ned sit down and begin to eat.
"Ned, you're pretty popular!" says Bill. "I'm the most popular man in the world," says Ned.

"Now Ned," says Bill, your pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world."

"Oh yeah," Ned replies "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!"

"That so?" answers Bill, "How about the President of the United States?"

"Let's go!" says Ned.

The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House. The president answers, "Ned! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages!" The three go play a round of golf and then leave.

"That was luck!" says Bill, "Two thousand says your not friends with the Queen of England!"

"Let's go!" says Ned.

The two fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, are greeted by the Queen. ''Hello Ned my boy! What have you been up to these days?" They enter the palace and have some tea and leave.

Frustrated, Bill says, "Double or nothing, you don't know the Pope!"

"Benny!" says Ned, "Let's go!"

When they get to the Vatican, Ned instructs Bill to wait outside and Ned will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope. After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak. And as told by Ned, when the Pope came out, Ned's arm was wrapped around him. Ned looks down from the balcony and see's Bill passed out on the ground. He rushes down and wakes him up.

"Bill! Bill! Wake up!" Bill opens his eyes and says,

"Ned. You're the most popular man in the world."

"I told you that, Bill," says Ned, "but you didn't faint when I knew the President! You didn't faint when I knew the Queen!"

"Well I was shocked that you knew the Pope," says Bill. "But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Who's that up there with Ned?"



"If you find yourself locked in a fair fight then you haven't planned it correctly" -Colonel Kila Wallace of the Royal Marines

TheTeaCat

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."
Kettle's on. Milk? Sugars?    ps I don't like Earl Grey  $%Grinno$%
Reduce, Reuse, Recycle - If you're not part of the solution , you're part of the problem!
"Never knock on Death's door: Ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that!"
Tales at TeaTime      Now A proper NUT      TTC plays GRV II

TheTeaCat

Sorry to bump but I thought you migh like this ::)

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Kettle's on. Milk? Sugars?    ps I don't like Earl Grey  $%Grinno$%
Reduce, Reuse, Recycle - If you're not part of the solution , you're part of the problem!
"Never knock on Death's door: Ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that!"
Tales at TeaTime      Now A proper NUT      TTC plays GRV II

TheTeaCat

Hate bumping threads but this one is worth it ;D

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.

There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

:satisfied:
TTC
Kettle's on. Milk? Sugars?    ps I don't like Earl Grey  $%Grinno$%
Reduce, Reuse, Recycle - If you're not part of the solution , you're part of the problem!
"Never knock on Death's door: Ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that!"
Tales at TeaTime      Now A proper NUT      TTC plays GRV II

MsD

To hate is human, to forgive and to love is devine.

Please visit my website.
Please visit my MD
Valley of the Gods

TheTeaCat

The Clever Irishman



Old Sean lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Mick, who used to help him, was in an English prison.



So the old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:



Dear Mick,


I am feeling a bit down because it looks like I won't be able to plant me potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.



Love, Dad



A few days later he received a letter from his son:





Dear Dad,


For CHRIST'S SAKE, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried all them f****n' BODIES!


Your loving son, Mick


At 4am the next morning, a dozen agents from Scotland Yard and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden down to a depth of about six feet.



That evening, not finding any bodies, they apologized to the old man and left.



A few days later the old man received another letter from his son:





Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant yer spuds now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Mick



:satisfied:
TTC
Kettle's on. Milk? Sugars?    ps I don't like Earl Grey  $%Grinno$%
Reduce, Reuse, Recycle - If you're not part of the solution , you're part of the problem!
"Never knock on Death's door: Ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that!"
Tales at TeaTime      Now A proper NUT      TTC plays GRV II

Krio

Few Soviet jokes, if you don't mind  ;)

Lenin died and went to Heaven, where God and st. Peter were thinking "can we allow him to get heaven, because only sin that he made was a founding communist nation?" So then God said to Peter: "Ok Peter, Lenin can have a week trial with you, after week I decide will he get to heaven or will he go to hell"
Week passed and God came to Peter and asked: "Is Lenin doing allright?" Peter replied: "Da, comrade God"

Then we laugh to Stalin..

Stalin woke up in the morning and said to the Sun:
"Good morning comrade Sun"
"Good morning father of the people" replied Sun
At afternoon, Stalin waved hand to Sun and said:
"Good afternoon comrade Sun"
"Good afternoon father of the people" replied Sun
And when evening came and Stalin was going to sleep, he went to outside and said:
"Good night comrade Sun"
and Sun replied: "Up yours Stalin, I'm allready in the west now!"

:)

TheTeaCat

Been a while since i posted a joke for you so here you are

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

:satisfied:
TTC
Kettle's on. Milk? Sugars?    ps I don't like Earl Grey  $%Grinno$%
Reduce, Reuse, Recycle - If you're not part of the solution , you're part of the problem!
"Never knock on Death's door: Ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that!"
Tales at TeaTime      Now A proper NUT      TTC plays GRV II

simzebu

#55
Here are a few short ones:

Writing with a broken pencil is pointless.

A man was in an accident, and lost his left side. Now he's all right.

There was a sign on the door of a closed whorehouse. "Beat it, we're closed."

How many Frat boys does it take to change a lightbulb?
11 - One to hold the lightbulb, and 10 to drink until the room spins.

And a longer one:
This is an actual job application someone submitted to McDonald's. They hired him.

NAME - Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY - $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION - Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD - Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY - Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT - My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING - It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK - Any.

PREFERRED HOURS - 1:30 - 3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, ''Do you have a car that runs?''

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE? Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
Known as Embolalia in numerous other places.

Penguins, Python, and Programming, oh my!

rushman5

OK, I made this one up myself, some might get it, some might not ,but anyways -

Where do you find a turtle with no legs?
Where you left it!

Krio


Patriots1228

HAHAHA Krio.

heres one from my old CJ.

"God Warrior Paris Hilton"




hahahahahahaha now laugh.

dedgren

That is so wrong, Pats.

A karma point, though, for posting it- it's wrong in such a right way.


David
D. Edgren

Please call me David...

Three Rivers Region- A collaborative development of the SC4 community
The 3RR Quick Finder [linkie]


I aten't dead.  —  R.I.P. Granny Weatherwax

Skype: davidredgren