Cali's Joke Corner

[Pat]

oooooooi blah that is sooooooooooo not Right Patriots sooooooooo not right lol and bengt i will take a cookie please lol

[spartanB292]

here, i'll give it a go, (please bare with me if you've seen this at pegs spot)


Way to Go:

A tough old cowboy from Oklahoma counseled his grandson that, if he  wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun  powder on his oatmeal every morning.  Following his grandfather's advice, the grandson did this religiously to the age of 103.

When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great  grandchildren, 25 great-great grandchildren.

And a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

[Patriots1228]

haha took me a few seconds to get it but nice joke.



see its the joke in smileys lol^^

alright. heres a classic

3 blonds were driving to disneyland. When they got near, they saw a sign that read "Disneyland Left <<<", So they turned around and went home.

[Krio]

Old, I know

[TheTeaCat]

 A farmer driving down the road with a trailer full of manure gets stopped by a cop one day as there is a light out on the trailer.

As the cop is writing out the ticket, he comments about the smell and the fly's attracted to the trailer. The farmer replies he doesn't notice the smell because of "working with it all day and that thems circle fly's"

"Circle Fly's" say the cop "What are they?"

"You Know", says the Farmer "them be the one's that go round and round a horse's arse"

"you calling me a horse's arse?" says the cop

"Nope, I never said that" the farmer replied "But you can't fool them Fly's"



TTC

[M4346]

A few good ones from around... -> Click! 

JHB = Johannesburg, South Africa

[Pat]

LoL -M- soooooooooo not right lol i laughed to hard i think i crapped myself eeeewwwwwwwww.....
ooh and by the way heres a little sometin sometin from me lol........................




Now it's time to close my eyes

So that I can get my rest.

Lord, if you take me on this night,

I have but one request.

Place a politician and a lawyer

On both sides of me please.

So I may die like Jesus did,

Surrounded by liars and thieves.


Disclaimer: No thieves or liars where injured in this joke..................  lol

[Shadow Assassin]

Good Heavens!

A man died and went to heaven. When he arrived at the pearly gates, Saint Peter said, 'Come on in. I'll show you around. You'll like it here.'
Walking through the gates, the man noticed clocks everywhere. There were grandfather clocks, wall clocks, watches and clocks in every corner. It appeared that heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.
Surprised at how heaven looked, the man asked, 'Saint Peter, what's the deal? Why are all these clocks in heaven?'
Saint Peter replied, 'The clocks keep track of things on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time the person on earth tells a lie, their clock moves one minute.
'For instance, this clock is for Sam, the used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move.' 'Click.' The minute hand on Sam's clock moved one minute. 'Click.' It moved another minute.
'Sam must be closing a deal right now,' said Saint Peter. 'The minute hand on his clock moves all day.'
The man and Saint Peter continued walking. Soon they came to a clock with cobwebs on the minute hand. 'Whose clock is this?' asked the man.
'That clock belongs to Widow Mary. She is one of the finest, God-fearing people on earth. I bet her clock hasn't moved in a year or two.'
They continued walking and touring heaven. The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all his friends. When the tour was finished, the man said, 'I've seen everyone's clock but President Clinton's. Where is his clock?'
Saint Peter smiled, 'Just look up. We use his clock for a ceiling fan.'

[Krio]

[bother_me]

I am really happy that finnish people speak swedish

Finnish is just too weird to learn.

[Pozzessed]

Please don't slam me for reviving old threads, this was too good not to share! 


When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. 

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.  When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.  Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the booze. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of it.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa.  Isn't this a lovely day?  I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"


~~~~ And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree ~~~~

[Pat]

hehehehe OMG that was a good one the Roz and no that is no harm in reviving it for such a good joke lol.... BTW I do like your sig 

[TheTeaCat]

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die in a plane crash and go up to Heaven's gates together.
When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who says: "Sorry, it's crowded up here, you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."
He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?"
"Oh, that's easy," the teacher replies, "the Titanic."
So St. Peter lets her into Heaven.
Next he turns to the petty thief.
"How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asks.
"Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and I think it was 1,500."
St. Peter steps away and the thief walks into Heaven.
Finally, St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says: "Name them."

[Pat]

ooooo Derry that was a good one!!! Now heres hopping that David and Matt will take great sense to it 

two kids are talking amongst each other,

Kid 1 ask to kid 2: What kind of a key does it take to open a banana

Kid 2: I dunno what?

Kid 1: A monkey of course lol

OK a bad one but its still funnie to me lol....

[TheTeaCat]

A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blond and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathlessly: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'

The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'

'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.

'Your turn,' says the man.

'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'

[Pat]

heheheehe Derry good one there Mate!! Btw do you like me new avatar???

anyways,

One day three guys were driving in the middle of nowhere when their car broke down.

They got out and looked around at their surroundings.

Finally, the first guy says, "I'm gonna go look for some food."

The other two guys say, "Why?".

"So we can eat of course." says the first guy.

Once the first guy comes back the second guy says, "I'm going to go get some water".

"Why" asked the other two.

"So we can drink it if we get thirsty of course".

Once the second guy gets back the third guy goes and tears off the car door.

"Whats that for?" asked the other two.

" In case we get hot we can roll down the window."

[TheTeaCat]

Second Opinion

      An elderly businessman buys a large house. The house is situated on a cliff overlooking the sea.
One evening, the old gentleman is out for his usual walk before going to bed. The evening is a very blustery one.
He ventures a little too close to the cliff's edge, loses his footing and falls over the brink.

      Fortunately, he is able to grasp a very slender sapling that is growing out of the cliff, which stops his fall.
The old gentleman hangs there for a few moments, terribly shaken. Eventually he calls out, "Is there anybody there?"

     At once a great voice seem to fill the whole of the firmament.
It comes out of the clouds, out of the sea and out of the cliff itself.
It says in measured tones,
"There is always someone up here, my son. All that you need to do is release your hold
upon that small tree and you will descend safely to the shore below."

     The old gentleman considers this for a moment and takes a look down at the jagged rocks 200ft below him.
Then he looks up again and says, "Is there anybody else up there?"


TTC

[Pat]

LoL Derry that is good one mate!!!! 

[TheTeaCat]

The following is allegedly an actual question given in a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their faith, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can reliably project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

   1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
      enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
      until all Hell breaks loose.
   2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
      Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
      freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my freshman year that, "it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls,leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God!"

(Allegedly this student received the only A.)

[shoreman905]

I had a photo shoot at a local grass strip airfield and spotted this on the office.


And this is what we call an airport here on the Shore, out with the corn.