SC4 Devotion Forum Archives

Ok, I thought It would be neat to put a thread on this wonderful site for anyone wishing to bring a smile to someones' face :)  If you have a funny joke or story or pics they could be shared here. there are Exceptions:

1. The joke,story,Pic must be CLEAN. any violation to this and a Mod will Slay you %BUd%

2. NO Degrading reference to any SC4D patron(see rule #1)

3. Any Mod may at His/Her discretion remove anything that seems negative.(see rule #1)

4. Any comments about how to improve this is always welcome ;D

ok, I'll Start and see if someone bites: What's Black and Orange and sleeps four?  A CalTrans Truck.

very nice idea!! lol I'm ready to laugh!

(https://www.sc4devotion.com/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg267.imageshack.us%2Fimg267%2F5382%2Fbreakhellglassvd4.th.jpg&hash=1faf70f1b5b7d4b71c770de5ab6e5c433c4e6323) (http://img267.imageshack.us/my.php?image=breakhellglassvd4.jpg)

LMAO  ;D

So, you guys like jokes? :D

Here's one for all the ladies here.

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. 'You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home. '
'Why?' asked somebody from the audience.
'I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years,' the expert explained. 'She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.
One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?''
'Did it save time?' the guy in the audience asked.
'Actually, yes,' replied the expert. 'It used to take her 30 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten.

lol  &apls

LOL &apls &apls

Here is a funny picture. If this could offend any one around here, please let a Mod know about it and delete it.
(https://www.sc4devotion.com/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg237.imageshack.us%2Fimg237%2F2233%2Ftheworstxf2.jpg&hash=ed1a69f13f75f7898464e9fbc50c027db78eb14f)

California Crazy Law

Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.

Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.

Bathhouses are against the law.

In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.

No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.

Women may not drive in a house coat.

It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

Arcadia
Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.

Alhambra
You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.

Baldwin Park
Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

Belvedere
City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."

Blythe
You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.

Burlingame
It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.


Carmel Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)


Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.

Chico: Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine. - This one scares me..lol

Downey
It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).

Hollywood
It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.

Lafayette You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.

Lodi
It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".

Lompoc
It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.

Long Beach
It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.

Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.

Los Angeles
Toads may not be licked.

You may not hunt moths under a street light.

It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.

You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.

Zoot suits are prohibited.

It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.

It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.

Ontario
Roosters may not crow in the city limits.

Pacific Grove
Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.

Palm Springs
It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.

Pasadena
It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.

Prunedale
Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.

Redlands
Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.

Riverside
One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.

San Diego
The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.

It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.

San Francisco
Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.

Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.

It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.

It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.

San Jose
It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595

Santa Monica
You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.

Temecula
Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.

Isn't This state great:)

that's weird!!!  :D :D :D

Here's another one for the ladies in here:
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

And one for everybody... it's a little big, but bigger will be your laught at the end of it  ;D

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate,he >calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers,there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later,huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself,"I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/ 20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me."
He's out the door or after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days,the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/ 50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,
"If I catch you, you're mine."

HAHAHA..i love it &apls, ok here's one:

Applying for a Job at the CIA   

      A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.  After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

    The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair.  Take this gun and kill her."  The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious!  I could never shoot my wife!"   "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

    So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man.  "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair.  Take this gun and kill her."  The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened.  The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes.  "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife.  I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

    "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

    Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun.   "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test.  Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots.  Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls.  This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet. 

    The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.  She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks.  I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

Hehe, that was really a great one  :thumbsup:

Here's a small one this time ;)

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

I think there is a lawyer among the admins, I hope he doesn't sue me $%Grinno$%

LOLOL Nice one you guys!

Things Found Only in America   

  1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

oh how this is so true...lol

lots of giggles from me  :D
&apls &apls &apls
made me spill my tea  &mmm

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help  the gentleman with. The man said "this is embarrassing  for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.

I'm glad you liked them TC, and welcome ;D.  That was funny :thumbsup: heres another one fer ya all:

Elementary, My Dear Watson   

  Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

 :thumbsup: muhahahaha awsome jokes..

(https://www.sc4devotion.com/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.429wm.com%2Fcjliaane%2Fblond2.JPG&hash=56bc8e9ee0f9bdce8d45d79c99a6e84dc44930ae)

Blonde jokes, muahhh, hehehe.

I know some as well, here it goes...

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work earlier. One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the; blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."

well, while we are on this blonde kick ;D

There was 3 girls on the run being chased by cops, they went in a barn and hid in 3 seperate potato bags.
The cops picked up the 1st bag and the auburn says "meow meow".

The cops said there's nothing in this bag except kittens they picked up the 2nd one and the brunette says, "woof woof"

The cops say there's nothing but puppys in this bag they picked up the 3rd one and the blonde says, "THERE"S NO-ONE IN HERE!"

Here is a tiny one tonight.

Peter and Paul are chatting:
Peter: "Listen, if I'm going to bed with your wife, will we be friends?"
Paul: "No"
Peter: "Will we be buddies?"
Paul: "No"
Peter: "Will we be enemies?"
Paul: "No"
Peter: "What will we be then?"
Paul: "EVEN!" $%Grinno$%

since i just got "The Death Sentance" I thought it would be fun to post some wedding jokes...here are a couple ;D

1.Husband to wife: Why do you keep reading our marriage license?
Wife to Husband: I´m looking for a loophole.

2.Grooms, once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife,
always remember to get the last two words in: "Yes dear"

3. A little girl asked her father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, honey, I'm
still paying for it."

4. Marriage is like a 3-ring circus  :
- The Engagement Ring
- The Wedding Ring
- The Suffer-Ring

One more for the collection:

This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now you know why they record these conversations)!

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help
you?"
Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach it."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too damn stupid to own a computer."

lol   good ones folks

A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name." Fred" he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies... "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred." The officer let him go without even a warning. :-)

Great jokes guys &apls

Couple of more for you folks

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

and how about

An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"

and one more for good luck

One sunny day in Ireland,(edit a very rare occaision) two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?", "I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you live on?", "McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"

So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

be careful you may just get me started

:satisfied:

So, you like to laugh, wait no more, but don't wet your pants $%Grinno$%

[linkie (http://rayden.zftp.com/Svenskerblik.ShareReactor.mpeg)]

i gues its funnier in english...lol

 State Mottos
1. Alabama:
At Least We're not Mississippi
2.Alaska:
11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
3.Arizona:
But It's a Dry Heat
4.Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthing
5.California:
As Seen on TV
6.Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
7.Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
8.Delaware:
We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
9.Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids
10.Georgia:
Without Atlanta we're Alabama
11.Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
12.Idaho:
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
13.Illinois:
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
14.Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
15.Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
16.Kansas:
First Of The Rectangle States
17.Kentucky:
Five Million People; Seven Last Names
18.Louisiana:
We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign
19.Maine:
We're Really Cold,
But We Have Cheap Lobster
20.Maryland:
A Thinking Man's Delaware
21.Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
22.Michigan:
First Line of Defense From the Canadians
23.Minnesota:
10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
24Mississippi:
Come Feel Better About Your Own State
25Missouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
26Montana:
Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
27Nebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
28Nevada:
Girls and Poker!
29New Hampshire:
Go Away and Leave Us Alone
30New Jersey:
You Want a ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
31New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
32New York:
You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
33North Carolina:
Tobacco is a Vegetable
34North Dakota:
We Really are One of the 50 States!
35Ohio:
We Wish We Were In Michigan
36Oklahoma:
Like the Play, only No Singing
37Oregon:
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
38Pennsylvania:
Cook With Coal
39Rhode Island:
We're Not REALLY An Island
40South Carolina:
We Have Never Actually Surrendered to the North
41South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota
42Tennessee:
The Educashun State
43Texas:
A Whole 'Nother Country!
44Utah:
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
45Vermont:
Yep
46Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
47Washington:
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
48Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor?
49West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family -- Really!
50Wisconsin:
Come Cut Our Cheese
51Wyoming:
Wynot?

hahahahahhahahahahaha  &apls
i like the New Jersey one....they sound Dutch to me ;)

Quote from: Cali on March 28, 2007, 05:21:52 PM
i gues its funnier in english...lol

I think an image can say a thousand words, but I guess that any Swedish around here could translate that for you ;)

My guess, and I don't know Swedish, is that camper got himself stabbed but somehow he didn't believed that :D CS game can be a b*tch sometimes $%Grinno$%

oh...ok, lol

Not my best, perhaps, but in honor of Cali's recent marriage:

Father to his recently married son:  "Remember when you said, 'Until death do us part'?"

"Yeah..."

"Later, you'll realize that you were actually setting a goal."

New humanlike aiming system for USAF Jets.

i knew funding for the military was scarce ,but sheesh :D

OMG, Teacat, the first joke is so FUNNY!!!!  Thanks for the laugh!  (the 2nd one was good, but the 1st one is CLASSIC!)

How about these buzzwords?

Company buzz words
New Corporate Buzz Words for the 90's

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, and then leaves.

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in class; the rest were just tourists."

Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around here.

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa."

Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

GOOD job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of attacking an electronic device to get it to work again.

Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required to reach all the appropriate keys for commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

Nice ones folks raised a giggle

Hope you like this one cali ::)

Dear Tech Support,

Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!

Sincerely,
XXX



Dear XXX,

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than  encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP!
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Tech Support



Follow-up mail from tech support:

Dear XXX,

Your Husband 1.0 has been infected with the Mistress 2.1 virus. Try
Divorce 3.5 to remove present headaches.

Tech support

 $%Grinno$% Cute, I have heard this before but the roles were reversed.  Its still a good one though.

LOL nice jokes hehehehahaha

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head.

ROFLMAO:  &apls Now that was funny.  I laughed so hard I peed.   :o  Oops.  lol

Quote from: MsD on April 15, 2007, 07:27:28 AM
ROFLMAO:  &apls Now that was funny.  I laughed so hard I peed.   :o  Oops.  lol

I know we said make yourself at home, but jeez!  :D :D :D :D :D

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

The art/science of oil and gas well firefighting was pioneered by a man named Red Adair. He and his company did the impossible on a regular basis. They were the ones who put out the kuwait fires in the early 90's. Also, he had a movie called hellfighters made about that starred john wayne.

Anyways, when Red died God decided he sinned too much and was going to send him to hell. But then God and St. Peter got a letter from Satan begging them to accept him into heaven. The message read "Don't send him down here, he'll put the place out"

Nice one Zaphod

try this for size

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"

Quote from: TheTeaCat on April 15, 2007, 01:20:27 PM
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

OMG, another classic!!!!!  $%Grinno$%

  Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal. Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Ned's here!" Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned. After everyone has greeted him, Bill and Ned sit down and begin to eat.
"Ned, you're pretty popular!" says Bill. "I'm the most popular man in the world," says Ned.

"Now Ned," says Bill, your pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world."

"Oh yeah," Ned replies "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!"

"That so?" answers Bill, "How about the President of the United States?"

"Let's go!" says Ned.

The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House. The president answers, "Ned! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages!" The three go play a round of golf and then leave.

"That was luck!" says Bill, "Two thousand says your not friends with the Queen of England!"

"Let's go!" says Ned.

The two fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, are greeted by the Queen. ''Hello Ned my boy! What have you been up to these days?" They enter the palace and have some tea and leave.

Frustrated, Bill says, "Double or nothing, you don't know the Pope!"

"Benny!" says Ned, "Let's go!"

When they get to the Vatican, Ned instructs Bill to wait outside and Ned will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope. After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak. And as told by Ned, when the Pope came out, Ned's arm was wrapped around him. Ned looks down from the balcony and see's Bill passed out on the ground. He rushes down and wakes him up.

"Bill! Bill! Wake up!" Bill opens his eyes and says,

"Ned. You're the most popular man in the world."

"I told you that, Bill," says Ned, "but you didn't faint when I knew the President! You didn't faint when I knew the Queen!"

"Well I was shocked that you knew the Pope," says Bill. "But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Who's that up there with Ned?"

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."

Sorry to bump but I thought you migh like this ::)

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Hate bumping threads but this one is worth it ;D

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.

There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

:satisfied:
TTC

LMAO  very funny. &apls :thumbsup:

The Clever Irishman



Old Sean lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Mick, who used to help him, was in an English prison.



So the old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:



Dear Mick,


I am feeling a bit down because it looks like I won't be able to plant me potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.



Love, Dad



A few days later he received a letter from his son:





Dear Dad,


For CHRIST'S SAKE, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried all them f****n' BODIES!


Your loving son, Mick


At 4am the next morning, a dozen agents from Scotland Yard and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden down to a depth of about six feet.



That evening, not finding any bodies, they apologized to the old man and left.



A few days later the old man received another letter from his son:





Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant yer spuds now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Mick



:satisfied:
TTC

Few Soviet jokes, if you don't mind  ;)

Lenin died and went to Heaven, where God and st. Peter were thinking "can we allow him to get heaven, because only sin that he made was a founding communist nation?" So then God said to Peter: "Ok Peter, Lenin can have a week trial with you, after week I decide will he get to heaven or will he go to hell"
Week passed and God came to Peter and asked: "Is Lenin doing allright?" Peter replied: "Da, comrade God"

Then we laugh to Stalin..

Stalin woke up in the morning and said to the Sun:
"Good morning comrade Sun"
"Good morning father of the people" replied Sun
At afternoon, Stalin waved hand to Sun and said:
"Good afternoon comrade Sun"
"Good afternoon father of the people" replied Sun
And when evening came and Stalin was going to sleep, he went to outside and said:
"Good night comrade Sun"
and Sun replied: "Up yours Stalin, I'm allready in the west now!"

:)

Been a while since i posted a joke for you so here you are

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

:satisfied:
TTC

Here are a few short ones:

Writing with a broken pencil is pointless.

A man was in an accident, and lost his left side. Now he's all right.

There was a sign on the door of a closed whorehouse. "Beat it, we're closed."

How many Frat boys does it take to change a lightbulb?
11 - One to hold the lightbulb, and 10 to drink until the room spins.

And a longer one:
This is an actual job application someone submitted to McDonald's. They hired him.

NAME - Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY - $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION - Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD - Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY - Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT - My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING - It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK - Any.

PREFERRED HOURS - 1:30 - 3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, ''Do you have a car that runs?''

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE? Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

OK, I made this one up myself, some might get it, some might not ,but anyways -

Where do you find a turtle with no legs?
Where you left it!

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IMO this is funny  ;D

HAHAHA Krio.

heres one from my old CJ.

"God Warrior Paris Hilton"

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hahahahahahaha now laugh.

That is so wrong, Pats.

A karma point, though, for posting it- it's wrong in such a right way.


David

oooooooi blah that is sooooooooooo not Right Patriots sooooooooo not right lol and bengt i will take a cookie please lol

here, i'll give it a go, (please bare with me if you've seen this at pegs spot)


Way to Go:

A tough old cowboy from Oklahoma counseled his grandson that, if he  wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun  powder on his oatmeal every morning.  Following his grandfather's advice, the grandson did this religiously to the age of 103.

When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great  grandchildren, 25 great-great grandchildren.

And a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

haha took me a few seconds to get it but nice joke.

%BUd% &hlp :bomb:

see its the joke in smileys lol^^

alright. heres a classic

3 blonds were driving to disneyland. When they got near, they saw a sign that read "Disneyland Left <<<", So they turned around and went home.

(https://www.sc4devotion.com/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdata4.naurunappula.com%2Fn%2Fe5d%2F70007551538%2F333.pic.jpg&hash=36ebd3f131904ee5942e0a1e7b1e7d9be900cbbd)

Old, I know ;D

 A farmer driving down the road with a trailer full of manure gets stopped by a cop one day as there is a light out on the trailer.

As the cop is writing out the ticket, he comments about the smell and the fly's attracted to the trailer. The farmer replies he doesn't notice the smell because of "working with it all day and that thems circle fly's"

"Circle Fly's" say the cop "What are they?"

"You Know", says the Farmer "them be the one's that go round and round a horse's arse"

"you calling me a horse's arse?" says the cop

"Nope, I never said that" the farmer replied "But you can't fool them Fly's"


:satisfied:
TTC

A few good ones from around... -> Click! (http://www.jollygoodjokes.com/jgj_graph.asp)  $%Grinno$%

LoL -M- soooooooooo not right lol i laughed to hard i think i crapped myself eeeewwwwwwwww.....
ooh and by the way heres a little sometin sometin from me lol........................

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Now it's time to close my eyes

So that I can get my rest.

Lord, if you take me on this night,

I have but one request.

Place a politician and a lawyer

On both sides of me please.

So I may die like Jesus did,

Surrounded by liars and thieves.


Disclaimer: No thieves or liars where injured in this joke..................  lol

Good Heavens!

A man died and went to heaven. When he arrived at the pearly gates, Saint Peter said, 'Come on in. I'll show you around. You'll like it here.'
Walking through the gates, the man noticed clocks everywhere. There were grandfather clocks, wall clocks, watches and clocks in every corner. It appeared that heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.
Surprised at how heaven looked, the man asked, 'Saint Peter, what's the deal? Why are all these clocks in heaven?'
Saint Peter replied, 'The clocks keep track of things on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time the person on earth tells a lie, their clock moves one minute.
'For instance, this clock is for Sam, the used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move.' 'Click.' The minute hand on Sam's clock moved one minute. 'Click.' It moved another minute.
'Sam must be closing a deal right now,' said Saint Peter. 'The minute hand on his clock moves all day.'
The man and Saint Peter continued walking. Soon they came to a clock with cobwebs on the minute hand. 'Whose clock is this?' asked the man.
'That clock belongs to Widow Mary. She is one of the finest, God-fearing people on earth. I bet her clock hasn't moved in a year or two.'
They continued walking and touring heaven. The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all his friends. When the tour was finished, the man said, 'I've seen everyone's clock but President Clinton's. Where is his clock?'
Saint Peter smiled, 'Just look up. We use his clock for a ceiling fan.'

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I am really happy that finnish people speak swedish :P

Finnish is just too weird to learn.

Please don't slam me for reviving old threads, this was too good not to share!  :D


When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. 

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.  When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.  Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the booze. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of it.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa.  Isn't this a lovely day?  I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"


~~~~ And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree ~~~~

hehehehe OMG that was a good one the Roz and no that is no harm in reviving it for such a good joke lol.... BTW I do like your sig  ;)

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die in a plane crash and go up to Heaven's gates together.
When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who says: "Sorry, it's crowded up here, you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."
He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?"
"Oh, that's easy," the teacher replies, "the Titanic."
So St. Peter lets her into Heaven.
Next he turns to the petty thief.
"How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asks.
"Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and I think it was 1,500."
St. Peter steps away and the thief walks into Heaven.
Finally, St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says: "Name them."

ooooo Derry that was a good one!!! Now heres hopping that David and Matt will take great sense to it  :D

two kids are talking amongst each other,

Kid 1 ask to kid 2: What kind of a key does it take to open a banana

Kid 2: I dunno what?

Kid 1: A monkey of course lol

OK a bad one but its still funnie to me lol....

A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blond and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathlessly: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'

The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'

'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.

'Your turn,' says the man.

'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'

heheheehe Derry good one there Mate!! Btw do you like me new avatar???

anyways,

One day three guys were driving in the middle of nowhere when their car broke down.

They got out and looked around at their surroundings.

Finally, the first guy says, "I'm gonna go look for some food."

The other two guys say, "Why?".

"So we can eat of course." says the first guy.

Once the first guy comes back the second guy says, "I'm going to go get some water".

"Why" asked the other two.

"So we can drink it if we get thirsty of course".

Once the second guy gets back the third guy goes and tears off the car door.

"Whats that for?" asked the other two.

" In case we get hot we can roll down the window."

Second Opinion

      An elderly businessman buys a large house. The house is situated on a cliff overlooking the sea.
One evening, the old gentleman is out for his usual walk before going to bed. The evening is a very blustery one.
He ventures a little too close to the cliff's edge, loses his footing and falls over the brink.

      Fortunately, he is able to grasp a very slender sapling that is growing out of the cliff, which stops his fall.
The old gentleman hangs there for a few moments, terribly shaken. Eventually he calls out, "Is there anybody there?"

     At once a great voice seem to fill the whole of the firmament.
It comes out of the clouds, out of the sea and out of the cliff itself.
It says in measured tones,
"There is always someone up here, my son. All that you need to do is release your hold
upon that small tree and you will descend safely to the shore below."

     The old gentleman considers this for a moment and takes a look down at the jagged rocks 200ft below him.
Then he looks up again and says, "Is there anybody else up there?"

:satisfied:
TTC

LoL Derry that is good one mate!!!!  :thumbsup:

The following is allegedly an actual question given in a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their faith, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can reliably project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

   1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
      enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
      until all Hell breaks loose.
   2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
      Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
      freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my freshman year that, "it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls,leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God!"

(Allegedly this student received the only A.)

I had a photo shoot at a local grass strip airfield and spotted this on the office.
(https://www.sc4devotion.com/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg171.imageshack.us%2Fimg171%2F442%2Fdsc9562web.jpg&hash=095434beae41b36744a66a88c61cfa2677cccd42)

And this is what we call an airport here on the Shore, out with the corn.
(https://www.sc4devotion.com/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg171.imageshack.us%2Fimg171%2F3973%2Fdsc9570web.jpg&hash=b9fb8b43cffea239a128cd88ae973ea06817a04c)

LoL Dave that is a great one!!!!

that was definitley amusing...thank you

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Einstein: Who's to say that the road didn't pass under the chicken? &Thk/(
Newton: Because its inertia was too great to stop it beforehand. &mmm
Heisenberg: How do we know it crossed the road if it had the inertia to do so? ()what()
Schrodinger: Its wavefunction forced it to. ???
Feynman: What do you care why the chicken crossed the road? ;D

The Sign:

A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic. What the driver didn't know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away.

Policeman: "License, registration and proof of insurance please."
Driver: "Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, man."
Policeman: "Watch your tone sir; you ran the stop sign back there!!"
Driver: "Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference!?!"
The police officer pulled out his night stick and began smashing it over the man's head and shoulders.
Policeman: "Now, do you want me to just slow down or stop!!!? ...

all jokes aside for a minute. I want to personally thank everyone for keeping this thread alive. Because of all of you, we have kept SC4D laughing for over two years....thats quite impressive
! again thank you all. and may we keep making people smiling for many more years!!!!..-------Cali

notta problem there Cali and its great to see you around again!!!

thank u pat. RL has really put a choke hold on me...but im so glad that i still have the privilidge of bein here with some of the greatest,most creative minds in the sc4 community.

This is why I didn't show up for work yesterday.

I was cleaning out my wife's grandpa's cellar and found 12 bottles of his home-bottled grape wine under the steps. My wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I agreed to do the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork form the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, just to check the taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making. He did.

I then opened the third bottle, and poured it, too, down the sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very good. I did this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down the sink. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa was. I will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come by.

The Frog and Golf

A man takes the day off work and Decides to go out golfing.  He is on the second hole when he Notices a frog sitting next to the green.  He thinks nothing of it and is About to shoot when he Hears, Ribbit 9 Iron.'  The man looks around and doesn't See anyone.  Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'  He looks at the frog and decides to Prove the frog wrong, puts the Club away, and grabs a 9 iron. 

Boom!  He hits it 10 inches from the cup.  He is shocked.  He says to the frog, 'Wow that's amazing.  You must be a lucky frog, eh?  The frog replies, 'Ribbit Lucky frog.'

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.  'What do you think frog?'  The man asks.  'Ribbit 3 wood.'  The guy takes out a 3 wood and,

Boom! Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know What to say.  By the end of the day, the man golfed the Best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,  'OK where to next?'  The frog replies, 'Ribbit Las Vegas ..


' They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, 'OK frog, now What?'  The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.' Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks,  'What do you think I should Bet?' The frog replies, 'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man Figures what the heck.

Boom!

Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.  The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the Hotel. He sits the frog down and Says, 'Frog, I don't know how to repay you.  You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.'  The frog replies, 'Ribbit KissMe.' He figures why not, Since after all the frog did for Him, He deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

'And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.  So help me God Or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.'

I LOL'd.  Jolly good show.

OK here is a bit of WoW joke  :D

Why didn't the undead cross the road with the chicken?

...he didn't have the guts. Harrrrrr!

Q - How can you tell if a hippie's been staying in your house?
A - He's still there.  ;)

A chicken was crossing the road when he ran into a man, the chicken looked up and said, "Hello, what's your name?" to which the man replied, "Bond... James Bond. yours?", the chicken looks up at the Man and says "Ken... Chick Ken"...

I know, I know, it's lame...  :D

Gawd, killed this one dead!

"According to a recent reseach, one orange contains the same ammount of vitamins than 50 bags of fries. I came to the conclusion that I should eat much more fries." - Herman Finkers, comedian.

A few one liners from one of my favourite comedians, George Carlin:



If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity.


"You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing.
"You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees."

The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads, "No." After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued,

"For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything.
But no, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician stand in front of an empty house. Five people went into the house, seven people came out. What happened?

Physicist: "The initial data wasn't excact."
Biologist: "They reproduced themselfs while they where inside."
Mathematician: "If two people go into the house, it will be empty again."

---

Best,
Maarten

LoL goood laughs!!!

LOST series finale spoiler: Do you know how and why I already know the black smoke escapes from the island in the end and wreaks havoc on the rest of the world?

I think the European air traffic hold-ups happening to us in our reality now already explains it.

Yeesh!  Nothing like reviving a thread that's been dead for over seven years.  You guys don't tell jokes around here any more?

Our friend Al Lemieux, who was a member here as Gaston, asked me to post this on SC4D for him as he can no longer access the site.  One BSC member I know in particular might get a kick out of the marketing of the name.

(https://www.sc4devotion.com/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimageshack.com%2Fa%2Fimg924%2F4567%2F1rW1Fq.jpg&hash=1a1a707ec9f89dbfa1fe0467ee0cd1282277a0b6)

David

Ew, a real shirt! Too bad this wasn't the last decade, where this probably would of sold more while mass-produced.

Thought I would post this here instead of starting a new topic like I've done in the past.


A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman  Which book has helped you most in your life?
The woman replied, My husbands cheque book !!

A prospective husband in a book store Do you have a book called,Husband  the Master of the House?"
Sales girl: Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!

Someone asked an old man: Even after 70 years, you still call your wife  darling, honey, luv. Whats the secret?"
Old man: I forgot her name and Im scared to ask her."

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper - so Id be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper. So I could have a new one every day!

Husband to wife  Today is a fine day."
Next day he says: Today is a fine day.
Again, next day, he says same thing  Today is a fine day."
Finally, after a week, the wife cant take it and asks her husband  Since last week, you have been saying 'Today is a fine day.'" I am fed up. Whats the matter?
Husband : Last week when we had an argument, you said, I will leave you one fine day. I was just trying to remind you