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Cali's Joke Corner

Started by Cali, March 14, 2007, 01:39:11 PM

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Rayden

Here is a tiny one tonight.

Peter and Paul are chatting:
Peter: "Listen, if I'm going to bed with your wife, will we be friends?"
Paul: "No"
Peter: "Will we be buddies?"
Paul: "No"
Peter: "Will we be enemies?"
Paul: "No"
Peter: "What will we be then?"
Paul: "EVEN!"
$%Grinno$%

Cali

since i just got "The Death Sentance" I thought it would be fun to post some wedding jokes...here are a couple ;D

1.Husband to wife: Why do you keep reading our marriage license?
Wife to Husband: I´m looking for a loophole.

2.Grooms, once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife,
always remember to get the last two words in: "Yes dear"

3. A little girl asked her father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, honey, I'm
still paying for it."

4. Marriage is like a 3-ring circus  :
- The Engagement Ring
- The Wedding Ring
- The Suffer-Ring

"It's not a design flaw, It's my signature"

Rayden

One more for the collection:

This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now you know why they record these conversations)!


"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help
you?"
Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach it."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too damn stupid to own a computer."

TheTeaCat

lol   good ones folks

A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name." Fred" he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies... "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred." The officer let him go without even a warning. :-)
Kettle's on. Milk? Sugars?    ps I don't like Earl Grey  $%Grinno$%
Reduce, Reuse, Recycle - If you're not part of the solution , you're part of the problem!
"Never knock on Death's door: Ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that!"
Tales at TeaTime      Now A proper NUT      TTC plays GRV II

Cali

"It's not a design flaw, It's my signature"

TheTeaCat

Couple of more for you folks

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

and how about

An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"

and one more for good luck

One sunny day in Ireland,(edit a very rare occaision) two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?", "I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you live on?", "McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"

So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

be careful you may just get me started

:satisfied:
Kettle's on. Milk? Sugars?    ps I don't like Earl Grey  $%Grinno$%
Reduce, Reuse, Recycle - If you're not part of the solution , you're part of the problem!
"Never knock on Death's door: Ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that!"
Tales at TeaTime      Now A proper NUT      TTC plays GRV II

Rayden

So, you like to laugh, wait no more, but don't wet your pants $%Grinno$%

[linkie]

Cali

i gues its funnier in english...lol
"It's not a design flaw, It's my signature"

Cali

 State Mottos
1. Alabama:
At Least We're not Mississippi
2.Alaska:
11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
3.Arizona:
But It's a Dry Heat
4.Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthing
5.California:
As Seen on TV
6.Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
7.Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
8.Delaware:
We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
9.Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids
10.Georgia:
Without Atlanta we're Alabama
11.Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
12.Idaho:
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
13.Illinois:
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
14.Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
15.Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
16.Kansas:
First Of The Rectangle States
17.Kentucky:
Five Million People; Seven Last Names
18.Louisiana:
We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign
19.Maine:
We're Really Cold,
But We Have Cheap Lobster
20.Maryland:
A Thinking Man's Delaware
21.Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
22.Michigan:
First Line of Defense From the Canadians
23.Minnesota:
10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
24Mississippi:
Come Feel Better About Your Own State
25Missouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
26Montana:
Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
27Nebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
28Nevada:
Girls and Poker!
29New Hampshire:
Go Away and Leave Us Alone
30New Jersey:
You Want a ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
31New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
32New York:
You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
33North Carolina:
Tobacco is a Vegetable
34North Dakota:
We Really are One of the 50 States!
35Ohio:
We Wish We Were In Michigan
36Oklahoma:
Like the Play, only No Singing
37Oregon:
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
38Pennsylvania:
Cook With Coal
39Rhode Island:
We're Not REALLY An Island
40South Carolina:
We Have Never Actually Surrendered to the North
41South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota
42Tennessee:
The Educashun State
43Texas:
A Whole 'Nother Country!
44Utah:
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
45Vermont:
Yep
46Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
47Washington:
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
48Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor?
49West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family -- Really!
50Wisconsin:
Come Cut Our Cheese
51Wyoming:
Wynot?

"It's not a design flaw, It's my signature"

Fledder200

hahahahahhahahahahaha  &apls
i like the New Jersey one....they sound Dutch to me ;)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Life is too short to wear bad clothes...and ugly shoes!

Rayden

Quote from: Cali on March 28, 2007, 05:21:52 PM
i gues its funnier in english...lol

I think an image can say a thousand words, but I guess that any Swedish around here could translate that for you ;)

My guess, and I don't know Swedish, is that camper got himself stabbed but somehow he didn't believed that :D CS game can be a b*tch sometimes $%Grinno$%

Cali

"It's not a design flaw, It's my signature"

JBSimio

Not my best, perhaps, but in honor of Cali's recent marriage:

Father to his recently married son:  "Remember when you said, 'Until death do us part'?"

"Yeah..."

"Later, you'll realize that you were actually setting a goal."


Never trust a god who grins all the time and wears a top hat, that's my motto.  -Terry Pratchett

It's from JBSimio.  Need we say more?  -BadgerBoy of SC4 Devotion

skillie

New humanlike aiming system for USAF Jets.


Cali

i knew funding for the military was scarce ,but sheesh :D
"It's not a design flaw, It's my signature"

vab423

OMG, Teacat, the first joke is so FUNNY!!!!  Thanks for the laugh!  (the 2nd one was good, but the 1st one is CLASSIC!)


"It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit."     - Harry S. Truman

Shadow Assassin

How about these buzzwords?

Company buzz words
New Corporate Buzz Words for the 90's

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, and then leaves.

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in class; the rest were just tourists."

Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around here.

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa."

Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

GOOD job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of attacking an electronic device to get it to work again.

Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required to reach all the appropriate keys for commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.
New Horizons Productions
Berethor ♦ beskhu3epnm ♦ blade2k5 ♦ dedgren ♦ dmscopio ♦ Ennedi
emilin ♦ Heblem ♦ jplumbley ♦ moganite ♦ M4346 ♦ papab2000
Shadow Assassin ♦ Tarkus ♦ wouanagaine
See my uploads on the LEX!

TheTeaCat

Nice ones folks raised a giggle

Hope you like this one cali ::)

Dear Tech Support,

Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!

Sincerely,
XXX



Dear XXX,

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than  encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP!
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Tech Support



Follow-up mail from tech support:

Dear XXX,

Your Husband 1.0 has been infected with the Mistress 2.1 virus. Try
Divorce 3.5 to remove present headaches.

Tech support
Kettle's on. Milk? Sugars?    ps I don't like Earl Grey  $%Grinno$%
Reduce, Reuse, Recycle - If you're not part of the solution , you're part of the problem!
"Never knock on Death's door: Ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that!"
Tales at TeaTime      Now A proper NUT      TTC plays GRV II

MsD

 $%Grinno$% Cute, I have heard this before but the roles were reversed.  Its still a good one though.
To hate is human, to forgive and to love is devine.

Please visit my website.
Please visit my MD
Valley of the Gods

dioangel

LOL nice jokes hehehehahaha


"Beethoven is known for writting the most daring music has ever known to man...DioAngel is known for writting outragous stories has ever known to a lady."
****************************
My new MD: http://sc4devotion.com/forums/index.php?topic=6796.0