Timbervale

[porter66083]

Well, everyone. I'm thinking this story may be dead. Nobody really has been commenting, and I almost have to beg people to comment. I've been looking back at my old stories, and CJs, and I got nearly triple the views and comments in the same time period when I wrote zombie stories.

So, I wondering if everyone would rather I write the zombie story again? Should I stick with what I have? This isn't going to change the quality of the pics, that much I can promise, but its kinda getting to the point where some people are getting kinda snarly (not in the actual thread mind you, but else where and in chatting...) about my updates being boring and rookie-ish and such...

So, help me make the choice..... stick with the plot, or switch to something more zombie-ish or close to it?

Jacob

[Pat]

noo you cant just let it die Jacob no no no... sorry me throwing a small tantrum lol...   I am in favor of the handy-dandy polltronic 5000 idea!!! people have been commenting heck just look at the response from the last update.. All I have to ask is dont go the route of the real live dead person's just yet!!!

PS I did catch the last notice from you on the 9th and I was waiting for the update to appear before saying something 

[south park]

awesome work , your city is really splendid but please how have you make this snow effect ?(photoshop) , (gimp) ?!

[LP_Green]

stay with that! you will start to get comments and views on a regular base when you'll be in the best sellers. I'm back here and that's why I'm posting here for the first time and I must say I'm really impressed with what you did, I really like it and I would like you to continue with this. But it's your choice isn't it? and it's just my opinion isn't it?

[Zaphod]

I think something you can do is after you finish writing a story, trim out unnecessary parts and reformat the text into more managable paragraphs. Even consider making one big update into as many as 3 small ones, published on a more regular basis. I just say this from reading people's stories on sites like deviantart and livejournal. A "Word Salad" might be the best masterpiece in the history of literature but people may not read it on an online site if it's long and bulky.

Finally maybe some people have read the story, but have a hard time deciding on what to comment about besides a simple "good job" type comment. I read the story, it's cool, about two guys with some personal issues between one another, I just couldn't think of what to say because it hasn't progressed to the point where we really know what the plot of the story is.

Who knows though, I think you should write whatever story you enjoy, though I completely understand that what really makes it worthwhile is when someone else reads your story and actually proves it by leaving a thoughtful and detailed comment.

Anyways you rock for keeping the idea of a story city journal around, I keep trying to make one but everytime I do something goes wrong. I had 3 chapters written in word when I heard what sounded like my hard drive making grinding noises, and I knew exactly what was going to happen next

[threestooges]

I agree with Zaphod. Perhaps a more frequent (and by necessity shorter length) set of updates might increase the feedback. Personally, I feel that the story is just getting started and, aside from some basic exposition, not much has happened yet so I haven't found much to comment on in detail. I will certainly keep following the story if you decide to continue. I'm not saying that every update needs to be explosion packed or anything like that, but it seems like things haven't really developed much past the character devleopment stage (which is not necessarily a bad thing).
-Matt

[porter66083]

OK.... after reading everything that your all had to say, I've decided to keep this going. It was just a little unnerving to not have really any replies to my updates, but have a nearly 30 to 1 viewing to comment ratio.

I do plan on more pictures and shorter chapters, but this chapter was kinda hard to cut parts out of without people going, "what is going on???"

Before I update, here's my personal replies:
art128: Thanks! It's going to be coming into the story later on.... maybe around chapter 4 or so? We are finishing chapter 1 tonight!
rooker1: Thanks! Hope you enjoy the next set of pictures!
Simpson: I try.... and Photoshop makes it a little easier....
bat: Thanks!
Dark_Jedi06: Thanks! Your pictures are rather awesome too!
sciurus54: Thanks! My hands hurt from it
papab2000: Thanks!
Pat: Wait until you read the last part of the chapter.... You'll be..... shocked....
threestooges: Well, it's kinda slow starting up, but I think you'll get the jist of the story once I finish chapter 2...
Pat (2): Never fear, even if I had shut the story down (which I'm not) I would never leave out the end of the chapter....
south park: I use Photoshop and some really great ice/snow paintbrushes I found online.
LP_Green: Well, I'll be the first to admit it, i am a bit of a comment junkie. I just like know that what I'm doing is actually being enjoyed by people. Which, with the sudden outcry, looks like it is.
Zaphod: Unfortunately, this chapter has a lot of backdrop that simply can't get thrown out. A lot. Like cut this out and leave the reader all confused. And that is just freaky about the computer hating you when writing. Flipping computers....
threestooges (2): Well, fortunately, this one is action packed.

I'd like to take a minute before every update and bring to light a MD that I've been reading lately that I think everyone should go check out. This week, I want to showcase Pat's MD, Waterfalls... I've never personally posted a comment that I remember, but I've been lurking for ages, and let me say he has some of the greatest amounts of naturalism I've ever seen in a thread. Go check it out in the Best Sellers section today!

Ok.... after giving my wrists a nice break, time to post the last part of chapter one... already in progress...

----------------------------------------------------


"You're doing a fabulous job at telling yourself things to make you feel better," continued Brian unabated. "Keep going. Tell yourself what a bastard I am, and how of course Sebastian would never stay away from you. He's just too busy to talk to you. Being too busy for your own brother makes a whole lot of sense to me too."

Lukas had just sat his bum back on the seat, when Brian slammed his foot down hard on the gas, throwing him backwards. The car jumped ahead. Lukas' eyes flickered outside and widened in horror. A pedestrian was currently crossing the street! Tightening his hold on the back of the seat, he braced his still throbbing arm on the dash. Brian jerked the steering wheel hard and the car swerved around the frightened citizen.

"But go ahead. Pound me for being a heartless bastard. Because, like you said, you have control over yourself."

"Hey!" Lukas looked out the back of the car, trying to see if the person was alright or not. The man shook his fist at their speeding car and seemed to be shouting at them. He couldn't blame him, he felt like doing the same. But only if he was out of the car and not moving. "Watch what you're doing!" he admonished.

His heart was in his throat. Adrenaline pumped through his system at how close they had come to running someone down. Brian was really pissed... and he had never seen him lose his temper this bad before. He was used to the calm, teasing side of Brian...not this. Maybe a little vein popping or a little cursing... but this?

"And, Lukas..." The icy tone of Brian's voice dragged his eyes away from the rear of the car over to Brian's face. He was staring so intently at him; it made him forget that they had almost hit someone. "Don't fault me for never saying something you've never said to me," Brian said.

The flat emotionless stare from Brian sent shivers down his spine. The eyes that he loved to look into no longer held that sparkle anymore, and that made him feel remorse. It wasn't like Brian gave him any signals that he was feeling like that about him. Why should he be the one to put himself on a limb like that? He wasn't even sure what love was between a couple. How was he supposed to know if what he felt was really love or just some unknown, unnamed emotion. Was all this really his fault? Did he really cause all this? He couldn't believe it.

Movement on the street in his peripheral vision caught his attention and his eyes flickered towards it. Bloody...hell! He gasped silently, his eyes widening in horror. They had drifted across the median and were headed into on-coming traffic. He griped the back of the seat in his left hand hard; he dimly noted Brian spinning around in this seat. The blue car directly in front of them blared its horn angrily at them and swerved.

Lukas was thrown into the dash as their car braked hard, his right shoulder taking most of the impact. He didn't even have time to register the pain as something broke horribly in his shoulder before the whole car began to roll. The sound of screeching, protesting metal and breaking glass became all that he knew.

The vehicle lurched violently again and he was thrown hard into the seat back as the car was once again struck. His forehead cracked hard on the back of the seat making him see stars, and gasped when he felt something slide all too easily through his back. No longer able to tumble around inside the car, he could only gasp at each movement and vibration until the car slid to a stop.

The silence and stillness was overpowering in its completeness after the noise and chaos of a few moments ago. Blinking at his lap, he watched in fascination as drops of dark red liquid dripped down his face and into his lap. They dripped one after the other making a wide shallow puddle that was slowly being absorbed into the seat. He swallowed and tried to take a breath, but the very air seemed hard to draw into his lungs.

The delicate tinkling of broken glass intrigued him and he turned his head slightly to try to better catch the sound. The slight turning of his head caused the liquid to fall into a new place, down onto the floor where the carpet soaked it up. Weariness crept up on him then, and there didn't seem to be a logical reason why he shouldn't go to sleep.



"Luke..."

He knew that voice. It was an important voice, but he couldn't remember why. Maybe if he saw who the voice belonged to it might make him remember better. Lukas tried to push off the seat so he could lift his head, but that small movement sent blinding white hot pain down his body, making him freeze.
That woke him up. Why did it hurt so much? His eyes widened in alarm. After a moment a black blanket was placed in his lap, making the red liquid start a new puddle within its fabric.

"You have to stay awake, okay?"

Stay awake? Why? Something brushed against his face, and pressed into his forehead. Oh! This was a different pain, but no less important. You shouldn't touch it! He rocked his head away from the probing touch, and closed his eyes. That's better...it's better without pain. But it didn't last long. The pain was back as something wrapped around his head tight.

"Lukas!"

Lukas blinked owlishly, as his head was brought up, and he could finally see who the voice belonged too. Ah! It was Brian. That was good. Brian was good to have here. Maybe he'd find out why he hurt so much... Despite having difficulty breathing, he began to rapidly gulp for more oxygen.

"Just don't move, ok?" Brian said, stroking his cheek.

"Ugh..." he groaned in pain. "Um..." he swallowed. The what? What does Brian want from me now? He tried to lift his right hand to bat at Brian's hold on his chin, and frowned. Rolling his head down to his right shoulder, he looked at what should have been a working arm, but instead it was horribly twisted and mangled in the socket, his coat doing little to hide the wrongness of it.

"Um..." mumbled Lukas, frowning at his arm. What was he supposed to say again...? His head was once again lifted, and he blinked at Brian, confused, hoping that Brian would sort this all out for him. It was incredibly hard to think right now, so...what? Brian reached out and started stroking his hair. Hmm, he always did like that.

"Just look at me, then. Look into my eyes and stay awake okay? Help will be here soon," Brian murmured.

Lukas could only blink tiredly at Brian. Small tremors attacked his body; each shift increasing the pain exponentially. Why would help be coming? That didn't make any sense. "B-B-Brian..." he stuttered, his teeth chattering against each other. Why was it so cold?

Brian stroked Lukas' hair for a moment before leaning in to place a kiss on his forehead. When he pulled back he stared intently into Lukas' eyes. "That's right. I'm here, Luke. Now just stay awake..."

Yeah, Brian was here...but didn't he want to leave? It was all so confusing and jumbled up. The tremors were becoming more pronounced, and he finally knew why he hurt. He could feel it. Every twisted inch of it... "Wha-w-what...?" Looking down at his left side, he could see a jagged piece of metal protruding from his lower stomach to pierce the top of his leg.

Red gore and flesh clung to the edges. He could actually see parts of his insides clinging to the metal. It was amazing! His left hand pulled itself away from behind his back, and reached out to touch, what looked like a bit of his intestines. He wondered if it was as spongy as it really looked or was it just sort of slimy cause of the blood.

"Don't touch it," Brian softly commanded, catching his hand before he could reach it. "Leave it there. It will bleed more if we pull it out and I'm not a doctor..." Brian gently lifted his chin once more and placed a kiss on to his forehead. "Stay with me..." Brian pleaded, kissing his forehead again. "Stay awake..."

'Stay with him'?, he thought, blinking slowly, forgetting about his discovery. Was he supposed to go somewhere? He tried to focus on Brian's face, but it swam in front of him. "Brian...you w-want me?" He did his best to focus on the face in front of him so he could better understand the answer... What was the question again?

Brian blinked rapidly before answering. "Yes, Luke. I want you, I've always wanted you... I..." Brian faltered. Sniffling he reached out and patted his cheek. "Just stay awake."

"You're n-n-not mad?"  he stuttered, panting now. It seemed really important that he know this and quickly. It felt as though time was running out. Darkness was creeping into the edges of his vision now. Swallowing hard, his dry tongue slipped past his lips to try and moisten them. He was so thirsty.

Laying Lukas' hand down by his side gently, Brian used the sleeve of his dress shirt to wipe his face. "I'm not mad," said Brian, his voice wobbly. "I'm not mad, so just stay awake."

That was good to know. If Brian was mad at him then when he went to sleep he'd be worried that he'd be sad. He really wanted Brian to be happy. Yeah, Brian should be happy. "Good..." his voice trailed off, and he finally gave in and let his eyes close.



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And some extra pictures:





And a teaser from Chapter 2!



Hopefully I'll get Chapter 2 finished up with its total rewrite by Wed!

Jacob

[Pat]

Jacob I ummm WOW!!! OK that wasnt my total choice of words but we'll run with that as this is a PG site lol... But still daaaaaaaaaaaaaaum that is a twist I didnt even see coming wow!!!

[threestooges]

Now that's a cliffhanger. Interesting addition to the chapter. I don't think you'll have too much trouble getting some comments on this one. I'll keep an eye out for the next update.

[south park]

OMG your pictures look like really at the reel i don't have any other work !!

[art128]

that update is fantastic  great work Jacob 

[Zaphod]

Wow...

I wonder what the consequences of this will be for them, beyond their own injuries, I can't imagine they didn't hurt a bunch of other people perhaps enough for serious criminal charges.

[Simpson]

This new update is really fantastic 

[porter66083]

Well, I decided to add the chapter headers.....

For chapter 1 (yes I know.... ANOTHER FMA PICTURE....):



But I did decide to go with a different anime series for Chapter 2.... no idea where its from though....:



About 1/3 of the way through the rewrite. Expect another update this week when i get finished!

[LP_Green]

i'm impressed with the quality of your writings, I'm drinking your words and eagerly waiting for the next update.

good work!

[CarmineHilton]

OMG, so sad that he died....

[bat]

Fantastic work there on that new continuation of your story! And nice pictures in it! Great work! Looking forward to the next continuation......

[porter66083]

OK all! Like I said, I'd try to get this next chapter posted this week and it is finally done.

But first, I'd like to show you all the newest addition to our house!


(From the breeder's website, personal ones to come)

This is Mia, our cute new little Himalayan kitten. Our last cat, Fuzzy, passed early this week on Monday, and we decided we really missed her and wanted a new one.

Ok, back to the update. I've noticed quite a bit more replies now that I've gotten to the blood and gore... so I'm definitely going to keep this one going. Also, I'd like to bring to light another MD for everyone to check out!

But, first, to the replies:

Pat: You like twists? Well, you'll love the next chapter then. Very sudden twist. Very.
threestooges: I love cliffhangers. And this story is going to be loaded with them. Also, I explain why the character of Lukas is written the way it is in Chapter 3. Hopefully. It's rather dark and horrible.
south park: Thanks! I'm thinking if I get extra time this winter of opening up a photoshop workshop on each site. I'll have to get permission from both sites first though.
Zaphod: Oooooh..... that comment hit the plot right on the nose.....
Simpson: Thanks!
LP_Green: Well, wait no more! Enjoy the update!
CarmineHilton: Well, nobody said he's died. Yet. Everyone will get to decide this in a while.
bat: As always, great to see you replying here! And you better be waiting for it to come!

OK.... before the update gets posted, let's talk about The Movian Empire by CarmineHilton. Let me say, Carmine has done some amazing work with his MD. I love the European design and culture he brings to it, and it's always fun to see what little things he leaves at the end of every update. Again, I lurk but don't comment, but I definitely suggest you go over and check it out! I know I enjoy looking at it.

Last but not least, special thanks again to shadow assassin (Dan) for his help on getting this update proofread so I don't look like a complete and total idiot. And now.... (drumroll please)



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".... Health officials are urging everyone to get a flu shot this year due to the extreme nature and unusually cold weather this year.

.... In other news, the highly anticipated Tricomm and Interlink merger is set to take place later today. The ill-fated Windsor Park based company, Interlink Communications, is expected to be bought out by the Timbervale telecommunications giant Tricomm Wireless for an estimated $42 billion. Tricomm CEO, Brian Handover declined comment.

Now let's go to Katie in the Weather Center.... Katie, what can we expect for the morning commute?

Well Tom, it looks like the overnight snow will be slowing down in most parts of the metro area with the clouds breaking up in many areas, but don't expect it to get any warmer today with yet another cold front moving in from the north..."



Looking away from the small panel near the train car's door as the train began to move again, he turned his attention back to the girl sitting next to him.

"So, seriously! You have to tell me!" she continued, the pleasure bubbling into her chipper voice, "When are you going to do it?"

Sliding his hand into his left coat pocket and feeling the small ring box, Andrew turned to his little sister Jenna with a smile creeping on his face.

"Now just why would I tell you? You are the worst at keeping a secret and if I tell you, I'd have to take your precious phone away," he replied, poking her in the forehead and getting a disgruntled sigh from the much younger girl next to him.

"You're just chicken.  A REAAAAAL man would have gone and proposed to the girl they've been dating for the last 3 years ages ago!" she replied, pushing him on his shoulder as the train began to start slowing down and a loud ding permeated across the nearly empty car.

"Next station: Riverside Expressway and Central Plaza. Estimated arrival to station in 35 seconds. Left doors opening."

As the train's breaks began their squealing protest, he grabbed the metal bar above his head and yelled out to his traveling companion. "If you really must know.... I'm going to propose to her tonight at Starlight Tower after work.... Going for the whole ring in the champagne bit and everything! Very classy! I'll even make sure the waiter gets some pictures for us!"

"Oh my god! That is so romantic! I'm so jealous!" Jenna yelled her reply as the gleaming station slid past the windows of the rapidly slowing car. With a jolt the train stopped and the doors opened, allowing the cold wet outside air to enter the train, chilling both as they made their way to the door.

"So how about you?" he asked, stepping out onto the lightly populated platform, automatically turning towards the escalator upward. "Mom said that your friend April set you up with some guy from your school.  Tell me about him..."

"Well...." She said, looking down at her feet and began blushing, "Daddy only let me go on one date with him, but Sebby.... I mean Sebastian is actually kind of cute. A little nerdy, but still..."

"Aw..." he cooed, tilting his head side and making a face at her, "My wittle sister has a cwush!"

"And your little sister is going to kick you in the groin if you don't stop with the baby voice," she growled, and upon stepping off the escalator, got a evil smile on her face, made her way to the coffee counter near the entrance of the station, "You're going to make it up to me by buying me coffee and a bagel."

"Am I now?" he called out to her, making his way towards her.

"Yep, unless you want me to text Mom while you're at the hospital and tell her every little detail about you getting engaged tonight," she continued, pressing the buttons on the order screen and then waiting for her older brother to swipe his credit card in the machine, "Which can easily be arranged while I'm in class."

"Black-mailer!" he shot at her, entering in his order and waving the thin plastic card over the reader.

"You know I prefer the word extortionist," she shot back, smirking as she brought the promptly dispensed bagel to her mouth.

Grabbing their drinks they made their way outside and walked up to the crosswalk outside the doors. Pressing the button, the stood in the cold morning air and began to eat their breakfast.

"So why are you going into work so early today?" she finally asked, breaking the silence between them.

"Well, they are planning on shutting down half the ER later today and are going to hand off the overflow to the free clinic," he replied, beginning to walk across the intersection at the changing of the light, "And I'm in charge there today."

"Oh..." she replied, cupping her hands around the warm cup against the chilled air.

"Why do you...." He began looking around to her as he noticed the black car flying towards her, its driver turned in the seat and apparently yelling at the smaller passenger.

"Jesus!" he yelled, pulling her as quick as he could out of its way to him, getting scalded as the coffee she was hold began to pour down the front of his jacket and scrub bottoms.

With his younger sister gasping, he raised his fist and began to shake it at the offending car and scream profanities at it. Looking back to his sister he noticed she was visibly shaking.

"Are you ok?" he said looking her over and checking for signs of injury.

"Yeah..." she answered shakily, finally unclenching his arms as her attention was suddenly drawn to the large crashing noise coming from the direction of the car.

"Oh my god..." Andrew gasped out, looking at the horrific scene unfolding before their eyes and began to take a few steps toward the accident.

"Andrew..." Jenna began, trying to reach out for her older brother as she heard the screeching of the tires on something large coming their way.

"Dear god, we need to go help them Jen..." he began as the large gleaming bus hit him before her eyes.

"Andrew!" she yelled out to him, barely flinching at the specks of blood hitting her skin and the sound of the bus that had just hit her brother wildly fishtailed and began to flip over, and other vehicles began to impact it.



"OH GOD! ANDREW!!!! ANDREW! SOMEONE HELP!" she continued screaming as the world around her erupted in a cascade of broken glass and protesting metal.

-end of chapter 2-
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Extra Pictures Time!!!







Well, thats all for this week folks. Hope yo enjoyed the update!

[Pat]

OMFG Jacob talk about a major twist there for Andrew and a short lived charater too!!! WOW!!!! OMG    The pics are stunning as well as the story, i could see and hear every thing unfolding wow!!!  I cant wait for the next chapter!!

[Zaphod]

I already left a much longer comment on the ST version, but whatever.

Just to wanted to say keep it up, I love the atmosphere and the way you are telling the story with the news broadcasts. I am starting to think that maybe some of these incidents are connected.

Keep it up man, I thing you have something good going here